Not My Precious
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the Darkness bind them. See, there's a funny thing about rings. Everybody wants 'em. Everybody needs them. Me? Why would I want a ring? It's Not My Precious...I've already got one of those! Now LET THE WAR BEGIN! NarutoxEowyn. Part of the Not Going Home Series! Insanity abounds!
1. One Ring

**A/N: FLAG BLASTED SITE AND ITS ERRORS! NOBODY WAS ABLE TO POST FOR ALMOST TWO DAYS! TWO! DAYS! And sadly, in that time, we recently had ANOTHER shooting in Washington. Tis a sad time indeed when so many lives are being taken, all because of some punk with a gun... Alright, rant over...**

 **I wanted to write something-ANYTHING-to distract people from the gloom and doom that's been happening as of late.**

 **I return my subjects! For any wondering, YES I have been rewatching the Lord of the Rings, soooo many times now, and I bloody loved it! However, I wasn't too pleased with a couple of the points (SPOILERS AHEAD) And I got curious.**

 **And when I saw that there were no Naruto crossovers with it and all the INSANITY that takes places throughout, well, the gears in my mind got to turning.** **As another note, this is yet another sort of prequel to the "Not Going Home" series as a whole, chronicling the adventures of our dimension hopping blond.**

 **Therefore, before reading this, I SERIOUSLY suggest you stop and read that, first.**

 **So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.**

 **Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.**

 **This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.**

 **LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN! Now...**

 **...off we go! I proudly present the next chapter of Not My Precious! 'Tis silly and crackish as can be, a bit of light in these dark times! Try taking Sauron seriously in this. Just try.**

 **I DARE YE!**

 _"So do we have a bet?"  
_

 _"I will destroy you, little man."_

 _"Bah, ya ain't the first to say that and ye won't be the last!"_

 _~Naruto and Sauron._

 **Let there be War**

 _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!_

 _I have nothing to bloody do!_

 _I have ridden a bloody kraken, tamed a wasteland, wrestled with demons and crossed blades with legendary warriors. My feet have strode to the end of the universe and watched it be unmade, then remade again. Mine eyes have seen the beauty of creation, and the terror of destruction. But for the last century, after losing a rather ill-placed bet, I have seen and done none of these things! Not out of fear mind you, but because I swore up and down that I wouldn't risk my life as I did last time._

 _I may have...ah...been dead for a little while. Not the dead-oh, back in a sec-kind of dead, but the dead, DEAD kind. The sort that required the sacrifice of someone very near and dear to me to bring me back. I suppose I'm doing this, keeping up my spirits, to honor her sacrifice. Even the mightiest gods, as I've learned, can die. I myself am no exception, it seems!_

 _Who killed me, you ask? Well...think. Who could possibly kill ME and keep me down for any length of time? Think about it. REALLY THINK! Yup. There ya go. Ah, but I digress and that's a story for another time. But, for now..._

 _...time for another adventure!_

 _I promised Indy I'd avoid facing fellow deities and spirits after the last one killed me -in a sense- but I'm afraid for the sake of my own sanity, I need to break that promise. There's been so much death in the world as of late, not just my own, but others, too, that I can't bloody take it anymore. I am sick of death. My mind is weary of seeing lives thrown away in the face of evil, and for what? Gone. Forgotten. Never to be remembered in anything more than a toast to the victorious dead._

 _Sick._

 _Of._

 _It._

 _Then I happened upon this little realm and wow._

 _Plenty of death._

 _I mean seriously, RIVERS of it! I never knew people were so adept at getting themselves killed! Entire armies, wiping themselves out!_ _Brangaine tells me there are BOOKS about this world, she even made me skim a bit before I gave up. Books! Bah! Who needs 'em! She can keep 'er books! Now, where was I? Oh, right, ranting._

 _They say its always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming. It will come. I've just decided to bring it a little early, with a little help from her._

 _It will be a glorious tale!_

 _Awesome tactics of amazing battles and a long, perilous quest! They shall speak of it for days, and drink much grog, legends of a day were spoken of for centuries...ah, who am I kidding? Its going to be messy, bloody, and hopefully, my darling Indy won't catch wind of this. If she does...well, I'm not very fond of regrowing my head and other vital organs. She wouldn't dare harm a hair on our daughter's head but alas I am not nearly so fortunate in that regard._

 _Still!_

 _Now I know what you're thinking, you, who may be reading this entry. Naruto, bad idea, going here! VERY bad idea! Horrible idea! Don't mess with the Ring! It'll be worse than that time with the Mary-Sues!_

 _I say ye nay! NOTHING can be worse than that._

 _After all, this shitty ring ain't **MY** precious..._

 _...that'd be my daughter!_

* * *

Sauron was vile.

He was wrath, he was spite, foulness incarnate. His sole wish was to dominate all things living, all forms of life and creation. From his fortress of Bara-dur in the land of Mordor, he planned and he plotted, machinating and manipulating the downfall of man. To enslave everyone, everything, be it man or beast.

For yes, the great eye of Mordor saw all!

To see this done, this end accomplished, he had defied death itself at the hands of Isildur. His body might have been destroyed all those years ago, but his soul had endured. His forces gathered, he knew now that the time was nearly at hand. The world would know him once more, and all of Middle-Earth would weep! He was Sauron! The Dark Lord! Mighty! Invincible! All would bow before him, worship and despair, or they would be ground into dust!

All evil gathered itself unto him, readying itself to make his war.

Once his insufferable orcs and uruks stopped bungling everything up! Like orc 2,503. Poor sod went and got an arrow to the knee. Now, Sauron didn't rightly know what that meant, but, having once been availed of the physical form himself, he imagined it wasn't exactly a pleasant thing to have an iron point rammed into your knee. Well, at least it wasn't as bad as what Uruk 507 had done, falling down a flight of stairs, or Orc 286, at that batch of poisoned grog.

Come to think of it, that last one might actually be important. Meh. More orcs where they came from, in the long run.

Ah, but once he had the RING from that fool hobbit, these minor failures and setback would be naught but-

 _ **CLUNK.**_

 _Clunk?_

Had his great eye possessed the capacity to blink, it would have. As it were Sauron merely stared, dumbfounded, swiveling as a harsh metallic sound clanged mercilessly, drawing his attention. It sounded as if someone were actually trying to _scale_ his tower-no, no, that was a ludicrous thought. Orcs lacked the wisdom and the wit to do such a thing, and even Saruman's new Uruks weren't foolish enough to actually climb tower and meet him in person...er...spirit. Were they?

Then, as if to answer that very question, a pale hand slung itself over the rim of the dark spire. Sauron stared at it, baffled. That was no orc hand. In fact it didn't look like a proper hand at all, it was far too pale a hand, ending it slender, jagged nails that looked as though they belonged on a _warg_ rather than a man. As he looked on those claws retracted, shrinking back into the hand with a quiet "snikt!" of sound. Another hand hauled itself up above the brim,

"Jeez that's a long climb!" a rough voice groaned. "'S what I get for being dramatic...oh. Did I interrupt your rant?"

Had he hands, Sauron would have face-palmed. As it were, he merely groaned. Another thing he'd appreciate once he regained the Ring.

 ** _"People all day today...alright, who dares climb mine tower?"_**

"Well, that'd be me."

He found himself looking at a strange, amalgamation of a man, red horns, white hair, and whiskers all. Merry blue eyes squinted up at him, unflinching in the baleful orange light. He wore the sort of heavy plate that a man of Gondor-foul pests!-might claim to own, but it looked...wrong somehow. Fierce, in an almost primal, savage way. The color of cobalt glared back at him in the amber radiance, light to dark. Its tasseled cloak, an eerie shade of silver, bearing the likeliness of a leaf-a leaf of all things-upon its back.

His armor was another matter.

Bearing the snarling emblem of a vermilion fox on the breastplate as well as cruel, wicked spikes upon pauldrons and vambraces both, it was a suit made solely for war. Indeed, the very airs seemed to bend around the crimson plate he wore, all flowing lines and swirling eddies. Like the massive, jagged blade on his back, he looked dangerous

He didn't know what to make of his man, whether to smite him or simply stare.

Then the little man raised a hand in greeting.

Such impudence, this one!

"Hail, Sauron!" he called. "Gotta say, you're bigger than I thought."

 ** _...who are you?"_**

"An interloper."

The Great Eye fell silent, leering at him. In the end, only a single hiss escaped it.

 ** _"What."_**

"Well, I'm not gonna lie." the demonic knight shrugged, cryptically. "That's what I am. An interloper. Intruder. Someone who doesn't belong." He met his gaze, the sight that had stolen the life from so many, and he did not falter. If anything he seemed smug, satisfied in his small victory. Sauron resolved to steal it from him. Perhaps HE wouldn't be so smug after taking an arrow to the knee!

 _ **"And what brings you here, interloper?** "_ it was a demand.

"First, the name's Naruto. Second. I'm...bored." he admitted at last. I tried playing with your orcs, shooting 'em in the knee, tossing 'em down stairs, poisoning their grog, but that shit gets old. So, I decided to take the time out of my busy schedule and see you...personally And, now that we've met face to face -or is it eye?- I've decided. I don't like ya. At all."

 _ **"I do not care for your thoughts, fool."**_

"You will." His expression soured. "Its been ages since I've seen somebody quite as...vile as you. Plus, you're one of the closest things this world has to a deity, not to mention you're an evil ol' bastard with a HUGE chip on his nonexistent shoulder so...yeah. Now," Picking a lingering piece of dirt from his finger, the horned one gave him a flat, galvanizing look. "Lets have a chat."

 _"I will break you."_

"Whatcha gonna do?" the man challenged. "Glare at me? Oooh, so scared."

 _"My throne will be made of your bones!"_

"Oh, that hurts, Sauron." the man laughed, clutching at his chest. "My feelings are in tatters! _Tatters._ But for the sake of respect, sure. I'll summon one of your little orcses up here so you can _try_ to kill me. I mean, you don't have any hands or anything and I can't die easily, so...

Raising a hand, he snapped his fingers; and just like that, one of the dark lord's minions appeared, betwixted and bewildered.

The great eye glowered impotently, but it wasn't one to waste an opportunity.

This affront to his pride could not be ignored.

So, Sauron gave the command.

 ** _"Kill!"_**

A metal sword descended mercilessly on an unprotected skull, braining the blond right between his horns and sending him sprawling off the roof atop the tower. Grunting in quiet surprise, he crashed into the ground, uncaring for the massive dent in his frontal lobe. The orc _thwacked_ him once more, then twice followed by _thrice_ , for good measure, and when _that_ didn't work, its dirty face finally purpled in angry rage. Helpless, its could only watch as his snickering visage stitched itself back together.

He hadn't been lying, after all. The smug... _bastard_ really was immortal.

 _"Aaaaaaaaand_ Rasengan."

Naruto bolted to his feet and blasted the puny creature off the roof with a flick of his wrist, an open palm smashing the jutsu home into the beast's chest. Squealing, the creature plummeted to its doom, ground to a red past on the scorched earth below.

Then the horned one started to laugh.

"Heh. Hehehehehehe..." It started out soft and soothing, the cackle of a man gone mad. "...ehehahahahahaHAHAHAHA!" Then, abruptly, it jumped three octaves, leaping into an insane shriek that left would have left a normal man's hair standing on end, his skin rippling in gooseflesh as that voice skipped into an insane shriek. The clapping didn't certainly didn't help either, the harsh sound of his palms smacking together with a harsh, continuous pop of sound. It was the strangest sound he had ever witnessed, and yet at the same time, the most amusing, terrifying sound he'd ever heard, because _he_ was the one making it.

"Oh, that shit never gets old." doubling over, he wiped a mirthful tear from his eyes. "You should see your eye right now!"

"Now, I could end this right now." he hummed. "I could find your ring, drop it in the lava or whatever, and that'd be the end of it. Game set and match. But...that'd be incredibly dull. And to be honest, I want to spend a little more time in this world, rather than be a deus ex machina. My friend wouldn't like that either."

 _"Friend? I don't see any-GAH!"_

A young girl of eight years poked her head out from behind the whitehead's back, startling the Dark Lord mightily. Where...WHERE DID SHE EVEN COME FROM?! She hadn't been there before!

Bright eyes shone from a cherubic face, framed by deep ebon locks. The color itself stood in stark contrast to the brilliant blue-green dress she wore; a fine, silk robe that looked as though it had stepped from the pages of an ancient, medieval tome and into reality. Those eerie, ageless eyes gazed into his lone own stoically, and the Dark Lord felt himself humbled. Perturbed, he glowered at her. She met his stare evenly, and incredibly, he found himself unable to meet her gaze overlong.

Humbled.

By a child, of all things!

"Dark Lord Sauron, meet my favorite daughter, lil' Brangaine, formerly known as the Archdemon Urthemiel, goddess of beauty, reincarnated." A hand descended, mussing the angelic girl's hair, causing her to frown slightly, pale cheeks pinching in annoyance. "Or you could just call her Ur. Raised her myself. Unlike you, she actually knows what its like to be omnipotent."

The child raised a tiny, white hand, waving.

"She's not much of a talker unless she wants to," Naruto continued. "So, I'll let my little precious here tell you the reason we're here." Craning his head down, he gave the girl a loving look, "Sweetie?"

"We want to play a game." her voice was like the sweetest song and for a moment, the Dark Lord actually went still. "Would you like to play?" Her voice nearly snared him, if only for a moment. There were no words for such beauty, no song you could compose to give light to such grace...! Then the moment passed and his hatred returned.

Sauron's eye twitched.

 _ **"I have no interest in such things!"**_

"Oh, but you will. Think of it as chess. You do have that here, don't you? Basically, its this. If my pieces win then I get you." a finger thrust outward, jabbing him in the eye. "You, your armies, your Nazgul. All of it. You will submit to me and obey my every whim. Always wanted to make a dark lord my bitch. See? Totally went there."

The Dark Lord took a moment to ponder that. Fool, challenging him!

 ** _"And if I triumph?"_**

"Then I let you rain fire and brimstone unabated on an entire _universe of your choosing._ So? Is it a bet?"

 ** _"I will destroy you, little man."_**

"Bah, ya ain't the first to say that and ye won't be the last!"

When next he looked, the man was gone.

With that, an age of war and pranks had begun...

 **A/N: WHAT A LOVELY DAY INDEED! Ah, sorry. Just couldn't help myself. What kind of hilarity can Naruto get up to here? Ohhhh, quite a bit. Don't believe me? BEHOLD THE PREVIEW. THAR BE TWO-NO, THREE THIS TIME!**

 _ **(Preview)**_

 _Rivendell._

 _Never had there been a more dire time in the history of man. The Doom of Mordor was nearly upon them_

 _It was here that the council had been called._

 _"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old...you've been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor." Elrond began gravely. "Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom._

 _"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."_

 _"One does not simply walk into Mordor." Boromir scoffed._

 _"I did."_

 _All eyes turned to the cheeky blond._

 _Aragorn spared the man a frown. By the fair state of his hair and those glittering blue eyes, he looked to have hailed from Edoras. What would one of the plainsfolk be doing this far from home?_

 _"What? I'm a great guide!"_

* * *

 _"Oooooooooh you're a big fellow, ain't ya?!"_

 _"Get away from the balrog, you fool! It'l kill you!"_

 _"It's a girl, actually."_

 _...what?"_

 _Naruto nodded, considering._

 _"I think I'll keep her."_

 _"WHAT?!"_

* * *

 _"What is it, preciousssssss? Who is talking to us?"_

 _"FLY YOU FOOL!"_

 _Gollum yelped as a deep, reverberating voice snapped into existence behind him._

 _Brangaine grinned, exposing the tips of her fangs. Her dragon was truly something to behold, and all courage fled from Gollum straight away._

 ** _"Dinner time."_**

 _Poor Smeagol promptly ran for the hills, gibbering like a madman._

 **AND THE INSANITY CONTINUES! So, in the Immortal Words of Atlas, Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **R &R~! =D**


	2. Precious

**A/N: FLAG BLASTED SITE AND ITS ERRORS! NOBODY WAS ABLE TO POST FOR ALMOST TWO DAYS! TWO! DAYS! And sadly, in that time, we recently had ANOTHER shooting in North Carolina and Las Vegas. Tis a sad time indeed when so many lives are being taken, all because of some punk with a gun..., lets all hold them in our prayers, neh? AND MAY THE BASTARDS WHO TOOK THEIR LIVES ROT IN HELL!**

 **Alright, rant over...**

 **I wanted to write something-ANYTHING-to distract people from the gloom and doom that's been happening as of late.**

 **I return my subjects! For any wondering, YES I have been rewatching the Lord of the Rings, soooo many times now, and I bloody loved it! However, I wasn't too pleased with a couple of the points (SPOILERS AHEAD) And I got curious.**

 **And when I saw that there were no Naruto crossovers with it and all the INSANITY that takes places throughout, well, the gears in my mind got to turning.** **As another note, this is yet another sort of prequel to the "Not Going Home" series as a whole, chronicling the adventures of our dimension hopping blond.**

 **Therefore, before reading this, I SERIOUSLY suggest you stop and read that, first.**

 **So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.**

 **Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.**

 **This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.**

 **LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN! Now...**

 **...off we go! I proudly present the next chapter of Not My Precious! 'Tis silly and crackish as can be, a bit of light in these dark times! Try taking Sauron OR his Nazgul seriously in this. Just try.**

 **I DARE YE!**

 _"Did he just...?"_

 _"Father does such things."_

 _~Aragorn and Brangaine._

 **Precious**

 _Hello._

 _This is Brangaine._

 _Writing is a beautiful thing indeed, and I have always appreciated the concept of beauty. Personally, I find it to be quite pleasant. In the days since we confronted the Sauron- he is an ugly, ugly, UGLY creature!- having seen the dark lord in all his hideous glory, my father has been terribly busy bustling about the countryside. So have I._

 _In case it isn't obvious by now, I have stolen his journal and spirited myself away from him in an effort to add entries of my own. I too wish to express my innermost thoughts with both pen and paper, in the hopes that my own mind won't fly away when I'm not looking, easily distracted as I am. Hopefully there will be many such musings in the future._

 _But for now, this is the first._

 _In all certainty Father will probably discover what I've done and take it back but this time, I care not for the consequences. I shall enjoy the beauty of this realm before he sweeps it into chaos. Please don't understand, I think CHAOS can be beautiful as well, but there is a certain beauty to be had in nature as well._

 _I have read stories of this world, and I am heartened to see it in person._

 _And I am not disappointed, no, not in the least; for words alone can't possibly express it!_

 _The woodlands of the Shire, and beyond, are even more beautiful than the book would suggest!_

 _Why, the trees are alive with the sound of the night, the grass is wet and damp beneath my bare feet as I walk! Fireflies dance in my hair as I write, and I marvel at their simple beauty. I feel the very air of this world calling to me, begging for me to take flight. I do not think the people of this realm would take kindly to the sight of a dragon, though, however late the hour. Besides, that shape would not allow me to experience HALF of the wonders of this world as this human body allows._

 _...hmmm._

 _Tis a funny thing about having an omnipotent father. One tends to want for very little. Yet it is these simple things, these small moments, that I treasure the most. In a sense, I am not his daughter-not by blood-yet he has treated as if I were his own since the moment of my "birth" as it were. I could go into great detail as to how we met, how I came to be cleansed, to be reborn into this fleshy form. Ah, but I digress._

 _You see, this is my first adventure._

 _On my own._

 _Alone._

 _To delve into a world that should only exist within the pages of a novel is truly a gratifying thing, and not just because I favor Tolkien's work. I feel that I can exist here without fear of persecution, with the constant eye of those infernal Templars upon me, fearing I might enslave them with my voice, of the mages dreading my power, or those infernal, BLIGHTED Grey Wardens trying to dissect my corpse! I was nothing but an anomaly to them, something to be researched and discarded._

 _But this, well, this is different from that realm, wholly and truly._

 _I am safe here, only a few can challenge me as I am now._

 _Whether they do or not, this will be a fine story._

 _It will be a glorious tale!_

 _A tale of beauty and peril, tactics of amazing battles and a long, perilous quest! They shall sing of it for weeks, and drink much grog, legends of a day will be spoken of for centuries...ah, just the thought of it makes me smile, so! I do hope Mother doesn't learn of it, though._

 _She wouldn't dare harm me, but, Papa is not so immune. If she does...well, I suppose Papa will demonstrate why he isn't fond of regrowing a head and other vital organs. She wouldn't dare harm a hair on my head but alas he is not nearly so fortunate in that regard._

 _Still!_

 _Now I know what you're thinking, you, who may be reading this entry. I am being terribly foolish wandering off like this, but let me reassure you - I am not without my own gifts. So long as I don't fall into a body of water-as I lack the ability to swim-I should be wholly safe. Right?_

 _I say ye nay! NOTHING can be worse than that._

 _...I'm a little excited, actuall-_

 ** _WATER!_**

* * *

Naruto frowned, ears pricking as he detected a faint, strangled yelp in the distance.

Followed by a spectacularly loud splash.

"Oi," he sighed, "What is that girl up to now...? Any ideas?"

A guttering hiss answered.

"Well, now that was just _rude."_ Turning toward his unfortunate victim, a poor, trussed up Nazgul, he took a moment to contemplate what he'd heard. "At least your master had _some_ manners. Makes me wonder about those Valar chaps, though. Haven't seen 'em yet, but I'm sure we will..."

 _"* &^%$# !"_

The language of Mordor was a foul thing, but he ignored his captive's curse with ease as he finished the last of his jerky. He supposed it served him right for letting her chase that poor creature about the countryside but the opportunity has simply been too good to ignore.

It had been a good chance for her to stretch her wings again, so to speak...

 _(Flashback)_

 _"Gollum...oh Gollum..._

 _Deep in the black of night, the poor twisted creature who'd once been a hobbit, roze._

 _"What is it, preciousssssss? Who is talking to us?"_

 _"FLY YOU FOOL!"_

 _Gollum yelped as a deep, reverberating voice snapped into existence behind him._

 _Brangaine grinned, exposing the tips of her fangs. Her dragon was truly something to behold, and all courage fled from Gollum straight away._

 _ **"Dinner time."**_

 _Poor Smeagol promptly ran for the hills, gibbering like a madman._

 _"Why does she chases us, precious?! WHY WON'T SHE LEAVESES US ALONE?!"_

 _(End Flashback)_

* * *

"Ah, good times." Naruto laughed jovially at the memory. "Wonder what she's up to now?"

Clearly, Brangaine had wandered off again afterwards when he wasn't looking. She'd even gotten into a bit of trouble but that wasn't the crux of the matter, here. _Here_ he'd gone to all the trouble of capturing one of the Nine, tying him up, dying him orange from head to toe, and now he just had to leave him here when they were getting to the good part? What a waste, really. It'd be a crying shame to do that; just cut the poor sod loose without a bit of fun on his part.

A bit of fun...hmm...

"Terribly sorry old chap," he said, rising from his place near the fire, "But, hey, we'll have to finish this discussion and figure out whether I can cure your lot or not later." Leaning forward, he placed a mask upon the face of his impertinent hostage, securing it firmly with bindings and clamps. "There!" Pulling back, he nodded, content with his handiwork. A bright smile of a face stared back at him from the mask, standing in sharp contrast to the wraith's impotent growls of rage. "Yo, you can get free on your own, right? Bah, who am I kidding! Of course you can!"

The Ringwraith shrieked at him, its cries echoing in the cavern as it struggled and writhed against its chains, but to no avail.

"High ho Silver! Away~! Oh, wait, wrong realm...

Stradling his horse, the blond rode off into the storm.

* * *

 _(Meanwhile...)_

* * *

Frodo Baggins was scared out of his wits right and proper.

 _As well he should be!_

Bearing a terrible ring, burdened by great guilt and responsibility, with next to no weapons to speak of, he'd been tasked with making it to Bree. Ordinarily this wouldn't have been a problem, and it hadn't seemed to be much of one in the first place. Together, he and Sam had trekked across most of the Shire without fear of reprisal until they'd encountered Merry and Pippin and well...

...it had all gone downhill from there.

 _Literally._

Pursued by terrible men in black, they had _fallen_ of the road, fled for their lives from Valar knew what, and gotten themselves woefully lost on the river. It was still many miles yet to the next crossing but even so, Sam remained adamant that they were going in the wrong direction. The storm only compounded matters; rain pounded down on the poor hobbits, soaking them to the bone. Their ferry was little more than a block of wood with an oar, after all. Meant merely to ferry one across, it possessed no protection from elements or otherwise.

In short, everyone was bloody miserable, and as we all know, misery does not breed good company.

Escape. Yes, that was what they needed to do, Frodo decided, idly fingering the chain around his neck, and by default the Ring attached to it. Escape, need to get to Bree, Prancing Pony. No Gandalf until they made it to the inn but once they did he would make things alright, yes, oh yes he would...

His mind rambled on and on, and would have continued to do so for quite some time, had not one of his companions shook him.

 _"Frodo!"_

Blinking, the young ring bearer shook himself back to reality.

"I...what?" he blinked, slowly. "What is it?"

"They're at it again." Pippin muttered the accent of his cheer only slightly subdued by the rain, "Ya might want to do something."

"Trust a Brandybuck and a Took to muck it up!" Sam was muttering crossly as the Took finished shaking some sense back into him, "Look at this! We're lost!"

Brandybuck or no, Merry wasn't about to let that lie.

"Now see here," he retorted quickly, "Just because _you_ wanted to go east instead of west, that doesn't make it _our_ fault!"

"Oh, yes it does!" Sam was quick to say, "We would've been far and away by now without the trouble you two caused!"

"We're the one who knew about the Ferry in the first place!"

 _"Pippin!"_

Before the Took could answer, a loud splash alerted them to another presence on the river.

 _"Ah!"_

Everyone's blood froze in their veins like blocks of ice, thick and impenetrable. For a terrifying moment the Ringbearer feared that the Wraiths had somewhow discovered a way to pursue them over water. But no, closer inspection revealed that this was no Nazgul, but rather, a girl. A _drowning_ one at that, thrashing wildly about, clinging to a half submerged log while simultaneously trying to keep her head above the rising water. Frodo saw her first, and she him, those large, round eyes locked onto his desperately.

A small hand stretched out, imploring.

 _"Help!"_

Her voice held Frod, snared him, bespelled him in an instant. With strength he didn't know he had, the hobbit snatched up one of the oars and began steering the ferry towards her, much to the disbelief of Sam and the rest. Hands grabbed at him, trying to pull him back and away, but he wouldn't have it, and only rowed the harder against the currents.

"What're you doing?! You'll sink us!"

"Don't just stand there, you fools!" he cried, "Help me! Pull her in!"

Their aid was reluctant, but help they did, and with their combined efforts, they were able to reach the flailing lass.

"Here," Frodo cried, stretching out his arm, "Take my hand!"

Sputtering and choking, the girl did so and dragged herself aboard their tiny raft. She shook herself with a mighty effort and lay there at their feet, trembling. She was a slight, tiny thing, barely a head taller than the lot of them, a mere waif of a girl who looked as though she belonged in some far-forgotten palace, not out here in the wilds. Her dress-much like the rest of her-was soaked horribly, lending her the appearance of a wet rat, rather than a proud creature of royalty. Yet despite this, she never once seemed to abandon her dignity.

Bright eyes stared at him intently.

...thank you." she managed through chattering teeth, and there was something in that voice that nearly made poor Frodo swoon right then and there. "Hmm." she murmured almost to herself, so soft were those words, so soft that he barely heard them. "Quite handsome in person, yes..."

"I...beg your pardon? Are you alright?"

She blinked.

"I think she's lost." Pippin supplied.

"That, or she was goin' for a swim." Merry offered.

"Merry!"

"What? She might have been!"

A shake of the head decried that.

"Who are you?" Frodo dared to ask.

"Brangaine." the very sound of her voice was like the sweetest music in the Shire-no, in all the land. "My name is Brangaine," she finished, straightening, wiping droplets of moisture from her dress. "You have my most sincere of thanks for saving me, Frodo Baggins."

A pause followed.

"How do you know my name?"

Her eyes twinkled mysteriously.

"Have you been following us?" Sam accused, thrusting himself between them.

She nodded.

"Yes."

"She might be one of them, Mister Frodo!" he objected. "We should just toss her back in the river!"

Her eyes glazed at the mere mention of water, assuming the look of a small animal in a trap. She glanced over to Frodo a little desperately. The Hobbit saw it at once. This was no Wraith. She was too innocent, too pure to associated with those vile, wicked creatures. This beautiful, gorgeous creature couldn't possibly be one of them. He wasn't rightly sure how he knew, only that he did.

"She comes with us." he declared. "At least until we make it to Bree."

"But-

"It'll be fine, Sam."

Her smile was like the sun.

After that the rest of their watery journey progressed most smoothly and in rapid fashion and before long the crossing itself was well in sight. Disembarking from the ramshackle raft, Brangaine was amongst the first to depart, looking glad to be rid of the river and its dampness. Frodo gingerly helped her across, taking a dainty hand and leading her over the gap.

"Come on. I think its safe-

A heartstopping shriek said otherwise.

Four hobbits and one girl spun about mere moments before a lone Ringwraith burst through the undergrowth, riderless, alone, and in a complete _fit_ of rage. It looked absolutely livid despite the hooded visage, its head snapping this way and that like a coltish beast in search of fresh prey. Despite the terror gripping him, Frodo couldn't help but wonder something:

...why was it _orange?_

 _"Baaaaaaaggiiiiiiiiins!"_

Too late, the Ringwraith saw them and closed, determined, drawing its blade.

Then the girl did something most strange.

 ** _"Esrever!"_**

In an instant her body seemed to unfold itself, gaining mass and shooting up like a weed between Frodo and his foe.

What he saw there nearly took his place. In place of the small lass they'd barely known, a tall and exquisitely formed young woman now stood before them. Her face was a perfect oval, and her skin a perfect cream. Her eyes were -he started- glowing, the eyes of a dragon, angry, violet and slitted, piercing. She turned, slowly, regally, a slender finger thrusting itself at the oncoming enemy, utterly unflinching despite her lack of weapon or any means of protection.

And then, incredibly, she spoke.

 _ **"You will obey!"**_

The Ringwraith froze.

Like a puppet, cut from its master's strings the Wraith jerked forward, falling unflatteringly on its face. Brangaine continued to glare bloody red daggers at the beast, her hair lofting as though in an unseen breeze. Eyes glowing like burning coals, she never once took her gaze from the black rider, never once flinching.

 _"Baaaaaagiiiiiiins!"_

Still, the young maiden didn't flinch.

 **"You shall do as I say. Obey."** It was a silent tug of war between the two beings, but eventually, one yielded. Thus rising, the Nazgul sank to a knee before Brangaine, its head inclined in subservience. The sword left its hands, clattering loudly to the ground as it pushed its head still further down.

 _"I...obey..."_

Sam balked.

"How did she...?"

"You sneaky kid! So this is where you where!"

Frodo felt the life nearly leap from his veins as another figure crashed through the undergrowth, this one astride a great stallion. Looking like something out a nightmare with his hulking cobalt armor and jagged blade, a great terror stole over the four hobbits as they gazed upon him. By contrasts, Brangaine gazed adoringly upon the newcomer-her bright eyes alight with delight and glee. Seeming to glide across the forest floor in a single blink, she swept toward the armored man

"Father!"

"Stay back, you-wha?"

"I am quite safe, master Baggins." she replied in a soft, soothing voice.

Her bright eyes swung back to them.

...this is my father."

"And...he isn't here to kill us?"

Naruto laughed, then; it was a deep throaty sound, and it shook poor Frodo to the deepest part of his soul.

 _"No no no, I'm just here for the entertainment, young hobbit!"_

Oh, how little they knew...

 **A/N: WHAT A LOVELY DAY INDEED! Ah, sorry. Just couldn't help myself. What kind of hilarity can Naruto and Brangaine get up to here? Ohhhh, quite a bit. Balrog next chapter, and boy oh boy, she is gonna be an interesting thing to write. As is the rest! Don't believe me?**

 **AND THE INSANITY CONTINUES! So, in the Immortal Words of Atlas, Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **R &R~! =D**


	3. One Does Not Simply

**A/N** **: My heart and prayers go out to everyone suffering right now, all the lives lost, and all the senseless violence that has occurred. Words cannot begin to properly express how I feel right now...**

 **So onto other subjects. The reason for my abrupt absence on the updating scene, for one.**

 **WARNING! RANT INCOMING!**

 **Well, my own personal hate army is stepping things up, it seems. You want to know why I've been gone for so long? Why so many wonderful stories, including the Not Going Home Series as a whole have fallen stagnant? simple. BLAME. THIS. GUY. This man, no, this absolute JERK and his endless war on all fanfic writers, myself included, is to blame. Doommarine54. Don't believe me? See for yourself what he's been up to recently:**

 _Story: Happily Ever After_  
 _Chapter: 2. Commitment Part I_

 _From: Doom Marine 54 (Guest)_  
 _-_

 _Doom Marine 54:WOW look at that! A story were Naruto actually acts like himself and not your retarded grimdark gary-stu. Can't wait to see how you f*** it up._

 _Story: Happily Ever After_  
 _Chapter: 4. Commitment Part III_

 _From: Doom Marine 54 (Guest)_  
 _-_

 _Doom Marine 54:NeonZangetsu: "Blah blah blah i'll just assume everything about Shizuka even though we only saw her in one episode and just assume she's better than Sakura in every-way because she has big t***. Also i'll call the slapstick humor between Sakura and Naruto 'abuse' because I take my children's cartoons super serious yo. Now i'm gonna go write a fanfic about Daffy Duck being depressed about his 'abusive' friendship with Bug Bunny because that totally makes me mature and deep!"_

 **These are the NICE ones. The others-which I'm certain are him as well-involve threats of death, murder and worse.**

 **Seriously, is this guy a problem for anyone else, or is it just me? He seems to delight in attacking me for nearly EVERY story that he doesn't agree his narrow-minded views. Blocking does nothing. He simply continues his attacks through other accounts and guest reviews, flooding my inbox to the point that I have no other recourse but to leave the site for DAYS at a time just to get away from him.**

 **NO MORE!**

 **This is Fanfiction! FAN! FICTION! If you want canon go watch the bloody shows and movies! DON'T BLOODY ATTACK AND HARASS ME FOR IT! And the same goes for the individual who found me in real life and tried to assault me.** **If you don't like my stories don't read and leave me! Why must you continue doing this?! But now that we're done with that...**

 **...I happily bring you the next silly, inane, abridged chapter of...**

 **...NOT MY PRECIOUS! Remember the series and its randomness, or you're gonna be lost! Again, this is meant to be silly, hilarious, and make little sense. Hope you enjoy the chaos and remember to smile! Naruto just loves to drive folks crazy...!**

 _"Where did you come from?"_

 _"Everywhere and nowhere."_

 _"That doesn't make any sense."_

 _"Exactly."_

 _~Elrond and Naruto._

 **One Does Not Simply...!**

 _You know, they keep telling me one does not simply "walk" into Mordor._

 _Of course, we all know that isn't true._

 _I mean, if you want to bullshit and argue semantics you could say that one should not run, in Mordor, either. One should not skip in Mordor. One couldn't dance into Mordor. One ought not drive into Mordor. One does not simply rock into Mordor. One could, of course simply FLY into Mordor. See where I'm going with this? Good. Saves me the trouble of going through the whole lists of memes and frankly, even I have don't have the time or patience for any of that crap._

 _Ain't nobody got time for that!_

 _So yes, the supposed moral of this entry is as follows. One does not simply walk into Mordor!_

 _Ah, but one does, my friends!_

 _ONE DOES._

 _Like so!_

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

 _"Gotcha bitch!"_

Sauron nearly jumped clear out of his skin when a hand clamped down his shoulder.

Then he realized he _had_ skin again.

And a shoulder, too!

In the blink of an eye-ha!-his world fell away and he crashed to floor of his mighty tower, gasping and spluttering like a confused child as his new limbs flailed about. Madness! Sorcery! _Trickery!_ He was just as he had always been before everything had gone wrong. Someone had even seen fit to give him back his menacing black armor. He even had his trusty mace and helm! How was this possible? His body had been destroyed in the war ages ago! So how was it that he had it back?!

 **"WHAT DEVILRY IS THIS?!"**

"No devilry," a familiar voice chimed as he struggled to stand, to remember what it was like to be a creature of flesh and bone. "Just me again. Thought I'd give you a gift. You know, to commemorate the start of our game. It wasn't all that easy, changing you back from a giant-red-eye to...whatever the hell you were before. You're not quite as powerful as you once were either, but I think I did a good job on the armor, ya know? Its damn near indestructible. Of course, your body isn't exactly made of sterner stuff anymore...

Slowly, stiffly, the dark lord raised his gaze.

 _ **"You!"**_

The horned blond waved a hand merrily.

"Yo! So-

Sauron's mace found his face not a moment later.

It shattered like glass, leaving the conqueror clutching little more than broken steel shards in his hand. For a frightful eternity his tormentor simply stood there, smile frozen on his face, eyes half-lidded with mirth. There was no reaction. None at all. He waited for it to disappear, for something, _anything_ at all...

And impossibly, that smile grew.

"You know, that wasn't very nice." A hand like an iron locked around his right shoulder, folding armor and bone together with ease. Naruto continued to squeeze until the Dark Lord found himself physically squirming in his grasp, simultaneously seething and desperately trying to find a way out where none was to be found. He continued to rage silently as he dropped to a knee, choking back a cry of pain as the deity's other palm came apart, a finger wagging at him in admonishment.

"That wasn't very nice. I believe you owe me an apology."

 **"I _WILL_ find a way to kill you! You and your daughter as well!" **

Those fingers clenched together to form a fist, fingers clenched and drawn back.

"Ever seen One Punch Man?" the horned god hummed. "No? Its a fascinating show. My favorite, really. See, the premise goes a little like _...this."_

A red comet of a blow collided with his face a moment later, slamming the dreaded conqueror down through his tower as though it were made of wood. By the time he reached the bottom his skull threatened to split in twine from within-he almost wished it would just so the pain would stop. His helmet crumbled, exposing his battered face to the ruined sky and the light of Mordor. Wait. Light? Mordor didn't have light. How-

Incredibly when he looked up, the blond was already there, waving a small handful of flame in his face. No, he realized, the man was actually _holding_ fire in his hand!

"Sauron, Sauron, Sauron." he sighed, circling him. "I'm hurt. Really, I am. I thought we had something special, you and I. I thought we were _friends._ Well, not friends," he amended after a moment's thought, thumbing his chin, "More like friendly enemies. Frenemies? Is that even a word here? Meh. Semantics. I can't _tell_ you how disappointed I am right now. Even after you hit me, I was willing to let bygones be bygones. But then, ya had to do and press the daughter button, didn't you?"

Sauron gulped.

"I'm afraid there's only one option left to you now." Naruto continued slowly as he leaned over him, his eyes burning an eerie coal red. "You have to be punished. But I don't want to kill you yet; because that would ruin my fun. So. Tell me, do you like spells, Sauron? You'll like this one. A woman named Zatanna introduced me to to them. _ **Ekam mih a namow!"** _

The Dark Lord convulsed against a sudden swell of nausea, knees buckling as his body threatened to tear itself apart from within.

And then, abruptly, it stopped.

"There." the blond huffed, leaning back into the shadows. "That's fitting."

...what was...that? What did you do?"

"Here." a mirror skittered across the tower to land at his feet. "Have a look."

Sauron did...

...and promptly began shrieking hysterically.

Green/black eyes glared back at him from a delicate, heart-shaped face, framed by silky ebon tresses that had no business being on his head. Because it wasn't his head.

Not him.

Not his face.

 _A woman's face!_

"W-What have you done to me?" he squawked! Fire and brimstone! His voice! This...this was not his voice! His words were meant to instill fear into children! Not sound like some...some...dainty flowery maiden! He tried to stand but his newfound strength had all but deserted him; the armor felt like a great heavy weight against his -her?!- shoulders, weighing her down. A flick of Naruto's fingers, and she was back on the ground again, sprawled helplessly in ill-fitting armor against the dirt and dust of the once mighty tower.

"I did say I'd make you my bitch if you lost our bet, remember?" the deity reminded her, flicking her forehead. "I simply decided to be a bit more literal than I usually am. Ergo, this. Its much more fun. Oh, you won't be needing that drab old armor of yours anymore. How about a dress?"

In a flash Sauron found she could stand again, but the joy of mobility soon evaporated as she found her feet tangled in thick dark skirts. It made her demands even less threatening when said skirt caused her to trip and fly forward at his feet.

"Change me back at once!" she cried!

Naruto's smile grew, trollishly so.

"No."

It spoke greatly of her own terror that Sauron didn't think to to smite the blond on the spot again, even with him so close at hand. As it was she was beginning to seriously reconsidering pitting herself against him in the first place. Arrogance aside, anyone who could simply conjure up a body out of thin air was someone to wary of at best, avoided at worst. And she'd made a bet with him...!

"I could, of course, leave you in this state." pearly whites flashed disarmingly. "I'm sure your Orcs would _love_ to meet the lady who knocked down their Dark Lord's tower."

Sauron went pale.

"You wouldn't!"

"Of course not." her tormentor scoffed. "I'm not that much of a dick and besides, I don't like winning by default. So, here's a choice. You can apologize like a good little girl and in return, I'll fix your tower. Or you can be stubborn and I send you to a random universe and we see what happens. You should pray that Indy doesn't find you. Might not end well."

"And you expect me to wait. LIKE THIS?!"

"No, I expect you to play."

"Play? Play wha-

"The game, of course. Keep up, girl!" Sauron instinctively flinched at the unsubtle reminder, more so when he mussed her long locks. "New rules. Win, and you still get an entire universe to toy with. I'll even change you back. Lose? You stay like this. Forever. So? That apology...

"I hate you."

"I know." Naruto beamed. "Still waiting."

Humiliating didn't even begin to cover it.

...I submit my most grievous apology."

"Good girl."

Naruto clapped his hands sharply and her world shifted, the ground trembling mightily beneath her feet. The heavens relieved themselves with a blinding crash of light, forcing the dark lord-ess to squeeze her eyes shut against the flare. When next she dared look her precious tower was intact, remaining as tall and proud, as dark and ominous as it had always been. So too did her captor's smile.

"Now you just have to wait up here."

"I fail to see-

THUNK.

The Dark Lord yelped as something crashed into her head and clattered into her lap.

 _"Now what?!"_

"This, my dear, is a computer." Naruto indicated the small piece of square, shiny, glowing plastic in the dark lord's armored hands. "You should know how to use it now-no need to thank me."

To her surprise, Sauron found she did, despite never having seen such an apparatus in her life.

"How-when?!-did you...

"Bitch, I'm a god! Do I really need to explain?"

T'was a strange thing, with its odd design, perhaps it could serve her in her quest for world domination. She supposed she wouldn't curse the blond for _this_ gift, at least. "First -well, it wouldn't be fair if you didn't gain a bit of _something_ from all this- and second, this is something to keep you busy while you wait for our climatic showdown. It even has a game! Now, I've modded it so you should be able to-

When next he looked Sauron was focused intently on the small screen, eyes aglow.

...quiet. I'm trying to conquer Mordor with Hobbits."

"...and on that note, I'm out."

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

They were mad.

Wholly, utterly, insane.

A bunch of crazy, sword swinging, magic-wielding lunatics, the lot of them! And he, Frodo Baggins, was all the more mad for daring to travel with them in the first place! He was also certain he was losing his mind, but that was well and beside the point. Indeed, he was traveling companions with a little girl who probably wasn't a girl at all but something else together. Most likely a sorceress of sort. A...witch. A witch whose "father" had spirited himself away again, off to parts unknown. He wasn't certain whether he should be relieved or terrified that he didn't know where the man had gone.

"Don't bother fighting it," a soft voice chimed. "You'll just lose your mind all the quicker."

Frodo tried to ignore her.

He really did.

Unfortunately that proved easier said than done. The road offered precious little in the way of distraction, the inn they sought was still nowhere to be found. And unless you enjoyed counting tree branches and pondering your own imminent doom, self-reflection was out as well.

"I'd rather not, if its all the same to you."

Brangaine offered a dainty laugh.

"You don't have a choice."

All this because of one girl!

While Merry and Pippin appeared outright fascinated by the proud little shifter, Sam still seemed certain she was going to knife them in their sleep. After what Frodo had seen her do to that last wraith, he wasn't entirely certain he was wrong. It was still with them after all this, spattered in orange paint and shuffling mutely along behinds its new mistress to the tune of her song. Its movements stiff and jerky, like a puppet severed from its strings. She'd even wreathed it with flowers and given it a name for crying out loud! _Ser Shade!_

WHO GAVE NAMES TO A MONSTER?!

The more he thought about it the more it made his head spin. And the more his head spun, the more he longed to simply put the Ring on and be rid of this insanity altogether. Yes, that might be a fine idea, to never see or deal with that maddening blond and his recklessness ever again-

"I'm back!"

Aaaaaaand speak of the devil, there he was now!

Naruto didn't so much arrive as he did _appear;_ the ever-smiling blond was simply there when they rounded the next bend, one arm propped against a fallen tree. As ever, he looked inordinately pleased with himself. His "daughter" all but ran to him, skipping happily.

"Where were you?"

"Fucking around with the dark lord." her progenitor cackled. "She's pretty pissed."

Brangaine's brow rose.

"She?"

"You'll see. But enough about her." those cold blue eyes rose, catching Frodo even as he tried to slip away. "Still got the Ring, Baggins?"

Frodo froze, his hand inadvertently tightening around the chain.

"You know about it?"

"Of course." Naruto guffawed, slapping his knee. "Its the centerpiece of this whole quest; how would I _not_ know about it? Such a pretty lil' thing. So easy to break. You're lucky, really. If Brangaine wasn't so fond of you and immune to the whole power seduction shtick, I think she would've taken it for herself."

"What's this about a ring now, Merry?" Pippin asked

"Sh!"

"Beggin' your pardon ser," Samwise interrupted, "But if you can, then why not just destroy it?"

Naruto blinked.

"Because that would ruin the game.

"Game?"

"Right, the game." his head bobbed rapidly and Frodo sensed a speech coming on. Sure enough, he was right.

"You see," their armored ally began quietly, "I've come to have a fondness for games over the centuries. They distract me from the crushing reality that, yeah, I'm going to be around for a longass time and I'll be like to outlive everyone I've ever loved bar that little tyke, over there," a finger jerked in Brangaine's direction. "Its enough to drive even a god insane! So, hence the game. But if there's no game, I get bored. When I'm bored I get twitchy. Like Beerus. And as I'd rather not just destroy everything in a fit of pique, I think it best we all enjoy ourselves to the fullest. After all-

"Then why are you even with us?!" Frodo cried!

Naruto actually felt silent at that.

Brangaine went very still.

"Hmm. You know," her father said slowly, rising from the log in a deceptively slow movement, "You might be right. You don't need my help right now. You certainly don't want me here. And this isn't any fun." A blue eye twinkled mischievously. "Not yet, at any rate. Tell you what. I'll leave. _We'll_ leave. And you can have fun outrunning those wraiths the next time they come for you without our assistance."

Merry and Pippin exchanged an ancious look.

"You can't just go!"

The bemused blond arched an eyebrow.

"Can't I? If Frodo wants me gone, nothing I can do."

Brangaine shrugged helplessly.

"I'm afraid that's that."

The horned deity saluted merrily.

"Well, we're off to Rohan! See you boys in Rivendell!"

"Wait, how does he know that-

When next they looked the duo had vanished into thin air.

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

Brangaine sucked in a sharp breath as the world inverted and reality reasserted itself.

Teleport or no, rapid travel rarely agreed with her.

She much rather preferred flight.

It was far more freeing to be airborne, to watch the world spread out beneath her as she beat her wings against the wind, commanding the skies. One did not simply claim the clouds, one had to dominate them, and all who dared to threaten that dominion. As if anything in this world could...could...could...

That thought faded when she realized were they'd landed.

"Maker...

Gone were the meek, humble forests and rivers of the Shire; in their place she found herself staring at something she'd not seen in a terribly long time. Wide open plains and rolling hills awaited her gaze when she tried to turn her head, picturesque snow-capped mountains spanning the horizon in the distance. Breathtaking. It was enough to make her forget all about being ill and remind her that there was still beauty to be found in all that she saw and did, but it was this raw, untamed landscape that appealed to her sensibilities more than anything else ever could.

It was, in a word, lovely.

Or it would have been, were it not for the ugly black stain in the distance.

"Where are we?"

"Rohan." Naruto paused, taking in the distant homestead, "Rather close to Edoras, actually. Might have overshot the gap a bit. What a coincidence that we happened upon these Uruks!" Quite the stroke of luck, wouldn't you agree?" It was as blatant a lie as she'd ever heard from her father; it certainly didn't help that he was grinning like an idiot. Her eyes flicked to the horde, then back to him. She watched it grow in the distance and a part of her thrilled at the promise of impending violence. A chance to vent. An opportunity to let loose.

To soar.

"Go on." he urged, prodding her with the butt of his weapon. "Have some fun."

"You aren't coming?"

"Nah," the horned deity sighed, leaning on his sword. "I'm getting too old to wipe out armies wholesale these days. Think I'll just sit back here in the shade and take a nap."

"You're a god, Naruto. You don't _need_ rest."

"Libel!" he scoffed. "Off with you, now! Shoo!"

Reluctantly she started forwards.

An errant thought called a ball of blue fire to her hand. Another had her planting her feet.

Ever gifted ever since her "birth" as it were, she'd found that fire was the easiest to control. Magic was merely another aspect of life, just as her obsession with beauty and knowledge was a part of her. She'd had many teachers, after all and lacked for nothing. Now she fed the eldritch flame with her significant mana reserves, watching as the white-blue ember in her hand built into a roaring inferno she could scarcely control. Forcing her will upon the blaze, she bit it compact still further, until the smoldering sphere resembled a small ball, shimmering with all the force of her wrath.

With a cry, she let if fly and lobbed it at still-distant Uruk-Hai.

BA-KRAM!

They must've scented her or at the very least saw her blast; because the bulk of the group suddenly banked, veering away from the village towards her.

And she ran at them.

Brangaine vaulted forward with a grin, her body already sprouting scales. She continued to lose shape and gain mass as she ran at the horde, her frail human form melting away, morphing into a far larger being. By the time she had reached them she'd more than tripled in size, with no sign of stopping. Wings spread, catching a breeze and holding her aloft, gaining speed and altitude. Naruto tasted the Uruk-Hai'ss shock like a palpable force, felt the confusion roiling off the warband as the seemingly harmless child before them warped into something out of their worst nightmares.

Then that dark terror dived straight at them.

"Stop!" the leader roared! "Stop, running you idiots! STOP!"

Their commanders couldn't convey the order in time; by the time they rightly knew what to make of it-indeed, even once they realized their imminent peril, it was already too late. A force that large was far too unwieldy to stop on its own; even as the lead runners ground to a halt still more of their brethern crashed into the backs of their fellows, sending them all stumbling forward. A few brave souls brandished cleavers at her, howling in defiance. Brangaine, the once-former Archdemon Urthemiel, showed no mercy, opening her jaws to spew a gout of fiery napalm upon them with impunity.

The result?

Chaos.

Uruk armor had never truly been meant to withstand the wrath of a dragon, much less one of Brangaine's caliber. Fangs the size of men crunched down on dull iron and crude steel, splintering them like so much timber. Those who tried to flee she caught in her talons, rending them apart like so much tinder. Arrows skittered off of her scales, casually deflected by great sweeps of her tail

"Fire! Fire now!"

The Archdemon granted them their wish and exhaled anew, raining ghastly fire down on her foes.

When she'd finally satiated her lust for destruction, when she'd finished gorging herself on the dead, she came back to him. All at once Urthemiel began to shrink and collapse in on herself. Her wings flattened against her spine, the savage tail nigh but collapsed in on itself, withering while her snout shrank into nonexistence. By the time she reached him Urthemiel was gone and his ever-beloved daughter had stepped into her place, harmless as any child her age ought to be. Rather, she would have been, were she not dragging a dead Uruk behind her by the arm. It served as a quiet reminder to stay on her good side.

She stood before him and thrust out her chest, preening.

Naruto's expression was as much expectant father as it was exasperated parent.

"Better?" he asked.

Brangaine dropped her prize and shook herself one last, final time, like a dog struggling to shed water from its coat. She thought she saw a flicker of concern there in those sapphire eyes, but no, it must have been her imagination. Father was all to her. He had nothing to fear from her. Her enemies...now that was another matter. She had great plans for those who had stood in her way before, but for now she had places to be, people to see.

Pretty trinkets to steal.

"Much. Shall we go?"

"We shall."

Edoras awaited them with closed gates, however, the guards all but quivering at their approach from atop what remained of the wall. One managed to recover some semblance of his voice, enough to challenge them at least. Naruto would've found it near admirable if the man's knee's hadn't been near to knocking together. Of course, they were right to fear a dragon! An unpleasant odor reached Brangaine's nose and she resisted one of her urges to strike the man down on the spot, even as her nose curled. The soldier had soiled himself.

"Halt, beast!" he cried, raising a spear at her! "We'll have none of your trickery here!"

"I wouldn't," Naruto warned, "Though she be but little, she is fierce."

"More than you know."

Brangaine's voice rose in song as halberds rose and fell, her words sending them shattering harmlessly against the ground.

"Yes, yes, now that we've dealt with your pointless bravado perhaps you could move? Please, thank you." he spoke swiftly and moved quickly, blasting the hapless soldiers onto their backs with a negligent gesture of his right hand. Then, pitching his voice to carry towards the poor sods and making it his most menacing, he spoke:

"I seek an audience with Theoden, son of Thengel." arms spread for emphasis he grinned. "Deny me at your own peril. Unless you want a plague upon your houses or some other nastiness. Because apparently, I can do that sort of shit these days. Come on, boys!" he clapped his hands, beckoning, "Chop-Chop!"

A certain _worm_ would sorely regret that they did indeed grant him that audience.

 **A/N: WHAT A LOVELY DAY INDEED! Ah, sorry. Just couldn't help myself. What kind of hilarity can Naruto and Brangaine get up to here? Ohhhh, quite a bit. Balrog next chapter, and boy oh boy, she is gonna be an interesting thing to write. As is the rest! Don't believe me? BEHOLD THE PREVIEWS FOR NEXT CHAPTER AT LONG LAST:**

 _ **(Preview)**_

 _It wasn't difficult to realize the man was under some sort of fell spell; he could taste the eldritch forces swirling in the air._

"Sorcery!" one cried!

Naruto sighed.

"They really do love that word."

 _"Begone!" Wormtongue cried!_

 _Naruto eyed Grima intently, eye twitching._

 _"Ooooh, is that your servant?"_

 _Deep within the Tower of Isengard, Saruman twitched. He saw through the eyes of Theoden, knew what was about to happen, but was powerless to do anything. As if he had been frozen in his very seat, he could only watch as the demented god calmly raised a finger and pointed at Wormtongue, eyes ablaze._

 _"Um...yes?"_

 _Blye orbs narrowed trollishly._

 _"Imma kill it."_

 _"Don't you do it."_

 _"IMMA DO IT!"_

 _"Don't you-_

 _ **BZAAP!**_

 _-damnit."_

* * *

 _"Er, better not let Brangaine hear you say that."_

 _"What? Why?"_

 _Brangaine pointed._

 _"Mama."_

 _Eowyn felt her ears burn a bright, cherry red._

 _"I-I beg your pardon?!"_

 _Naruto groaned._

 _"THAT'S why."_

* * *

" _Oooooooooh you're a big fellow, ain't ya?!"_

 _"Get away from the balrog, you fool! It'l kill you!"_

 _Naruto grunted in surprise as the flaming blade nearly flattened him._

 _"It's a girl, actually."_

 _...what?"_

 _Naruto nodded, considering._

 _"I think I'll keep her."_

 _"Nonsense!"_

 _"You think that's nonsense?" Naruto turned, regarding the approaching Balrog. "Watch this. Oi. Brangaine!"_

 _"How'da ya like a sister?"_

 _Gandalf balked._

 _"You don't mean to-_

 _ **"Nurt otni namuh!"** Naruto barked something in a strange, reversed language and suddenly the Balrog felt herself falling, the high arches of Moria sweeping harmlessly over her head as she tumbled to the ground. Still she was plummeting, tumbling. But that didn't make any sense. She could feel the ground beneath her, dead stone against her bulk. Her entire body shuddered, convulsing as it fell inward, compacting. A terrified eye gazed up at the cold bedrock. The world looked...larger, somehow. Everything...everything..._

 _"Oh." a distant voice resounded in her ears. "Not bad. Like the horns. Wings and tail are a nice touch, too..._

 _"WHAT?!"_

Gandalf saw what the terrible demon had become and fainted dead away.

 **AND THE INSANITY CONTINUES! So, in the Immortal Words of Atlas, Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **R &R~! =D**


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